The Gift of Friendship

Time to Refine
The Life Refinery Newsletter
August 2007


“Our friends should be companions who inspire us, who help us rise to our best.” ~Joseph B. Wirthlin

Last week, I had the pleasure of spending time with a group of friends I met through a leadership training program. Although I haven’t known them long, we’ve developed a great connection and had a wonderful time enjoying each other’s company.

And yesterday, I had lunch with a dear friend I’ve known for years. We had fun laughing about shared experiences and talking about our dreams for the future.

These interactions made me think about what a gift friendship is. Studies have shown that friends can even have a major impact on our health and wellbeing. Chances are you already have a fantastic group of friends. However, if you want your “inner circle” to be even more enriched, it’s time to refine. Here’s how…

Since everything starts with you, think about what kind of friend you are. Are you a positive presence? Do you tell your friends you believe in them and show your support? Are you a great listener? Are you there when they need you (not just when you need them)? Think about the qualities you feel exemplify a true friend and if you’re not already demonstrating those qualities, start now!

Next, seek out and connect with “Eagles”. Eagles are people who inspire you and encourage you to achieve your personal best. When you’re in their presence you feel uplifted. They’re people who are already doing/being what you want to do/be. When you encounter an Eagle, make a point of connecting with him or her. A great way to do this is by simply striking up a conversation and asking about his or her path to success. Eagles love to help others succeed! Set the intention to attract more Eagles into your inner circle.

Now let’s talk about a few personality types that you’ll want to omit from your inner circle, we’ll call them “fictitious friends”:

The Downer: everything in her world is negative and she loves to share it with you. Complaining and finding fault are her favorite pastimes. Whenever you’re excited about something, she’s ready to tell you all the reasons it won’t work, why you can’t do it and all the potential problems you’ll face. It’s no surprise that you feel discouraged and bummed out when you’re around her.

The Energy Vampire: it’s all about her life and her problems and you’re her unpaid therapist. She wants you to listen to her every thought and feeling or hold her hand and tell her what to do. You feel drained whenever you have contact with her, which makes sense, because she’s the type who can suck the life right out of you!

The Flake: She’s habitually late, frequently cancels plans at the last minute or doesn’t bother to show up at all. Or maybe she “disappears” whenever she has a new boyfriend and doesn’t resurface until they break up or unless she wants something from you. She’s constantly letting you down and giving you a “dog ate my homework” type of excuse. The bottom line is, you just can’t count on her.

The Frienemy: you never know if she has your back or if she’s stabbing you in it. If she gives you a compliment it’s usually a backhanded one. When you set out to accomplish something, she’s trying to discourage or sabotage you. When something great happens for you, she’s green with envy. The saying, “With friends like that you don’t need enemies”, was invented for her.

The Trainwreck: she’s constantly in crisis and expects you to “save” her. Maybe she’s engaging in unhealthy or dangerous behaviors and wants you to join her. Perhaps she’s destructive, out of control or spiteful. Her life is like a runaway train and she wants you along for the ride. But it’s no fun being her sidekick, in fact, it can be downright scary!

So what do you do if you have some fictitious friends as described above? If they’re not willing to join you on the positive track, do yourself a favor and limit or discontinue contact with them. When you are around them, be very aware of your behavior. It’s a good idea to put up a positive mental “force field” so that their negativity doesn’t infiltrate your thoughts, actions and words.

And lest I be accused of being Pollyanna-ish, let me add, true friends are there during happy AND sad times. They provide support and comfort in all circumstances and it makes a big difference how they go about it. So if you’re engaging in behaviors such as “co-rumination” (excessively talking about, rehashing and dwelling on problems), co-dependence or wallowing in negativity and defeatism, that’s not serving you or your friends. What does serve you are healthy, mutually supportive relationships that bring out the best in you.

As this quote beautifully expresses, “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” So cherish and be grateful for the people who know your song and tell them how much you appreciate having them in your life.

Until next time, keep refining!

Love, Melissa

Time to Refine Tips

1. Think about what kind of friend you are. If you’re not already demonstrating the qualities you feel exemplify a true friend, start now!

2. Seek out and connect with “Eagles”. When you encounter an Eagle, strike up a conversation and ask about his or her path to success. Set the intention to attract more Eagles into your inner circle.

3. Limit or discontinue contact with “fictitious friends” such as Downers, Energy Vampires, Flakes, Frienemies and Trainwrecks. When you are around them, put up a positive mental “force field” so their negativity doesn’t infiltrate your thoughts, actions and words.

4. Focus your energy on healthy, mutually supportive relationships that uplift and bring out the best in you.

5. Cherish and be grateful for the gift of friendship. Take time to tell your friends how much you appreciate them!

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