Are you addicted to drama?

Time to Refine
The Life Refinery Newsletter
July 2007

“I can choose peace rather than this.” ~Darren Meade

Have you noticed how so much of our “entertainment” revolves around drama? Whether it’s sensationalized news programs, reality shows, sit-coms or celebrity coverage, the drama quotient is off the charts!

Even a classic show like Seinfeld (I still love watching those reruns), which was famous for being “a show about nothing” was really about creating drama out of nothing. The characters thrived on it and we loved it! Hilarious to watch but definitely not something you would want to create in your own life. Or is it?

The truth is, many people are addicted to drama. And in my opinion, drama is behind much of the turmoil people experience in their lives, from lack of inner peace to conflict at work and friction at home.

So if you are caught up in the cycle of drama, it’s time to refine. Here’s how…

As I was working on this newsletter a friend sent me a wonderful concept created by a fellow coach, Rick Tamlyn. It’s called “The Drama Triangle” and in it he brilliantly outlines the roles people play when involved in drama. See if you recognize yourself in any of the following descriptions:

1. The “Victim” – “Poor Me”; feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless and powerless; looks for a “Rescuer” who will perpetuate his/her negative feelings. If one stays in the Victim position, it will block him/her from making decisions, solving problems, experiencing pleasure and self-understanding.

2. The “Persecutor” – “It’s All Your Fault”; blames, criticizes, keeps the Victim oppressed, is mobilized by anger and has a rigid, authoritative attitude.

3. The “Rescuer” – “Let Me Help You”; rescues when (s)he really doesn’t want to. Feels guilty if (s)he doesn’t rescue and keeps the Victim dependent.

Tamlyn describes The Drama Triangle as “a seductive high-energy blame game which serves to redirect the focus of attention, energy and dialogue from personal accountability to blame, defense and rescue. The greater the payback for being a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor, the greater the intensity of the drama. The greater the intensity of the drama, the more distracted the players will be.”

So take a look at your life. Are you often involved in conflicts with friends, relatives, co-workers, strangers (other drivers for example)? Do you spend a lot of time complaining, worrying or agonizing about people and/or situations? Are you drained by “stewing” rather than focusing on truly important matters in your life? If you answered yes to any of these questions you could be dealing with a drama addiction or at least prone to allowing drama into your life.

Let’s examine some possible reasons people are attracted to drama:

1. They were raised in a drama addicted family so they’re used to it.

I can relate to this since I grew up in a very drama-driven environment. It seemed that there was always a family feud or grudge, usually over some perceived slight blown way out of proportion. After living in this highly emotional climate for so long, it became “normal” for me. I eventually realized that living in drama was draining my energy and costing me dearly; the price was a peaceful life. Fortunately, I made a choice to replace drama with peace.

2. They are looking for excitement to spice up their life.

When people are bored or feeling like they’re stuck in the same old routine, they may look for ways to shake things up. Activities such as spreading gossip, getting involved in other people’s turmoil and attempting to drag others into conflicts are a means to stir up drama where it doesn’t exist.

3. They want to avoid dealing with truly important matters in their life.

Becoming embroiled in a drama is a way to distract from more important matters. Afterall, how can you concentrate on the business at hand when so much time and energy is consumed by your latest soap opera?

4. They want attention.

In the entertainment business there’s a saying that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.” It implies that the only thing that matters is keeping the celebrity in the public eye. As with publicity, for some people, there’s no such thing as “bad” attention. By “starring” in their own melodrama they make sure the focus remains on them.

5. They’ve grown accustomed to being a victim.

Although we think of victims as weak and helpless, when it comes to drama, victims actually have the power to control and manipulate those who choose to participate in the conflict with them. And as long as you choose to play a role in a drama, you will attract people who want to engage in it with you.

Now let’s talk about how to break the cycle of drama:

Notice and acknowledge your participation. As with any behavior you want to change, bringing awareness to it is the first step to moving beyond it.

When you start getting sucked into or creating a drama or you feel the urge to engage in any drama fueling behaviors (blaming, criticizing, arguing, overreacting, self-pitying, rescuing, harboring anger/resentment), stop, take a breath and ask yourself, “what’s driving my behavior?” and “how can I choose peace and personal accountability instead?”

Journal your thoughts. Explore your attachment to drama; think about what you’re trying to avoid, the role you’re playing in dramas and the actions you will take to move from drama to peace.

Start visualizing a peaceful life and make choices that support your vision. The more you focus on peace the more you will attract it into your life. You’ll also find that as you move toward peace, you will no longer attract “drama co-stars”. Just like heat seeking missiles, they will move onto a new target.

Most people develop their drama addiction at an early age and it becomes more ingrained over time. So it’s going to be a process to replace the “comfortable discomfort” of drama with peace. At first, peace may actually feel quite unsettling and you may want to “stir things up”. But through conscious practice, you’ll begin to actually cherish the calm. So much so, that you will eventually develop a distaste for drama.

So any time you are tempted by drama, remember and say to yourself, “I can choose peace rather than this.”

Until next time, keep refining!

Love,

Melissa

Time to Refine Tips

1. Notice and acknowledge your participation in drama. As with any behavior you want to change, bringing awareness to it is the first step to moving beyond it.

2. When you start to get sucked into a drama cycle or engage in drama fueling behaviors, stop, breathe and ask yourself “what’s driving my behavior?” Determine how you can choose peace and personal accountability instead.

3. Journal your thoughts. Explore your attachment to drama; think about what you’re trying to avoid, what role you’re playing in dramas and the actions you will take to move from drama to peace.

4. Start visualizing a peaceful life and make choices that support your vision. The more you focus on peace the more you will attract it into your life.

5. Any time you are tempted by drama, remember and say to yourself, “I can choose peace rather than this.”

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