Have Your Buttons Been Pushed Lately?

Time to Refine
The Life Refinery Newsletter
April 2007

“Button pushers are your greatest teachers.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

I want to tell on myself a little bit through a story about how I came up with this month’s topic. On a recent Spring day, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful Southern California weather and go to one of my favorite outdoor cafes to finish preparing notes for an upcoming speaking engagement.

Knowing from experience that tables at this particular cafe are scarce during the lunch rush, I arrived early and had the patio all to myself. I sat for about an hour, enjoying my lunch and writing away. I became so engrossed that I didn’t notice the patio tables had filled up with other customers until a group of people began hovering nearby commenting to each other that there were no open tables. I kept writing, hoping they’d move on. Suddenly, a woman in the group came over and instructed 2 little girls to “go ahead and sit here”, pointing to a couple of chairs that were at my table. The little girls dutifully plopped down. This was done without the woman asking me if she could use the chairs, share the table or anything of the sort. My reaction was a curt, “Looks like you want this table, so go ahead.” The woman then said, “Oh, I didn’t mean to run you off”, as I gathered my things and abruptly walked away.

The truth is, I was already done eating and simply enjoying my iced tea so I was planning to leave soon anyway. But I have to say, I was annoyed by “rude people” encroaching on my space acting as if they didn’t intend to do so.

And then it happened (as it does far more frequently and quickly as I become more aware). I realized as I walked to my car that this “button pushing” situation was a learning opportunity and it was up to me to discover the lesson.

What was so irritating to me about this situation? And why did I react the way I did, especially since I enjoy extending acts of kindness to others? I gave it some thought and realized that I felt the “interlopers” were trying to exert passive-agressive control to get what they wanted. My reaction was, “You think you’re going to control me, I’ll show you how annoyed I am and make you feel bad for being so rude.”

In retrospect, I saw that I could have just as easily used this encounter as an opportunity to demonstrate kindness by offering up the table in a generous manner instead of the huffy way I chose to do so. Same outcome, 2 different energies: one gracious and the other petty.

So why tell on myself? There was a time that not only did I not acknowledge such behaviors, I wasn’t even aware of them. In the past, I would have written the woman off as rude, felt righteously indignant and that would have been the end of it. The fact that I can now recognize and acknowledge behaviors that aren’t in alignment with the “best me” I can be has been a major accomplishment. It has also fostered tremendous personal growth and I’m hoping others can benefit from my experience.

Taking the time to pull back and observe behaviors from another point of view can make all the difference. For example, from my perspective at the time it was easy for me to label the woman as rude. But she could just as easily have labeled me as rude for lingering when tables were so in demand. There’s also a good chance that my assessment of passive-aggressive encroachment was completely off base. It was more likely just a woman who wanted to find a place for her kids to sit down. In situations like this, even if it is a case of passive-aggressive encroachment or rudeness, so what? It’s not about other people, it’s about us and how we choose to respond to situations. Remember, we are always at choice and we can choose to be kind. And I want to make it very clear that being kind does not mean being a pushover or putting yourself last. It means taking into account what’s best for yourself while being considerate of others.

I also want to mention a concept I first learned about several years ago: people or situations “push our buttons” because that person or situation is reflecting back something about us that we may not want to acknowledge**. For instance, in my button pushing encounter above, I recognized that since I perceived the situation to be about control, my own controlling tendencies were being reflected back at me and it grated on me.

In addition to noticing traits or behaviors that you may have in common with your “button pushers”, also watch for traits or behaviors that are the opposite of yours. For example, someone rubs you the wrong way because you consider her so pushy. You’re not the least bit pushy and can find no connection there. But wait, it turns out your timidity has often allowed you to be treated like a “doormat” and oh, how you resent that! Guess what? You might have found the connection.

As part of your refining process, start to notice the people and situations that push your buttons. Then begin to explore what it is that they might be reflecting back to you. Your first impulse might be to deny that you have anything in common with them at all. That’s your signal to dig deeper, because chances are, you’ll find something.

Keep making those connections, even if it’s tough. Once you start to acknowledge them, they become easier and easier to spot and eventually, they will no longer be a trigger for you. So tell on yourself (to yourself) as often as possible and watch your awareness blossom.

Until next time, keep refining!

Love,

Melissa


Time to Refine Tips

1. Start noticing the people and situations that push your buttons. What might they be reflecting back to you that you may not want to acknowlege?

2. Shift your perspective. Find the kind and compassionate way of looking at people/situations.

3. Look inside. Instead of blaming “rude people” or other external factors, look for possible internal causes. Remember, it’s not about other people, it’s about you and how you choose to respond.

4. Find the lesson in encounters that push your buttons. For deeper exploration, journal about it.

5. Keep looking for connections you have to your button pushers, even when it’s tough. The more you discover the more your awareness will grow.


**”The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford is the book that started my exploration around this topic. I highly recommend it!

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