The Love of Your Life

Time to Refine
The Life Refinery Newsletter
February 2007

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

In honor of Valentine’s Day, this month’s newsletter is about love. Now for those of you out there who don’t have a significant other or cringe at the mere thought of February 14th, before you start rolling your eyes, this posting is for you (as well as all you hearts and flowers types, too). Because you see, the love that I’m talking about is the deepest, most important relationship you’ll ever have, and that is the one that you have with yourself. Yes, that’s right, I’m here to tell you it’s about falling truly, madly, deeply in love with you!

Now this may strike some of you as a bit conceited but I want to assure you that it’s not. And I want you to get used to the idea because until you can love yourself unconditionally you’ll put up resistance to being loved this way by others. So it’s essential that you fall in love with yourself first!

Exactly how do you go about this, you ask? Here are some ideas…

Start by reflecting on all your fabulous qualities and jotting them down in your journal. Include both “inner” and “outer” traits that make you the incredible individual you are. Examples: “I have a great laugh”; “I have beautiful eyes”; “I have a huge, caring heart”. And on and on until you’ve written down everything that comes to mind. The more qualities you come up with, the better you’ll be able to appreciate yourself.

After you’ve written them all down, let other qualities surface over time. And rather than dwelling on what you don’t like about yourself (as so many people do), instead you can now choose to think about what you do like. I call this “positive brain washing” because that’s exactly what you want to do; wash all the self-defeating and damaging messages out of your brain and replace them with empowering truths about yourself. It takes awareness and attention but through regular practice you can make uplifting thoughts your “default” mode.

If you’re one of the many “self-love challenged” who say you can’t think of one thing that’s special about yourself or can only think of a handful of things, it’s time to try on a new perspective; because I guarantee you, there is a whole lot about you that is amazing! Your mission is to name it and claim it, so start gathering those qualities. It might take some soul searching, marinating and meditating but make it your goal to develop a list that truly speaks to your magnificence. Appreciating these traits is an essential step to falling in love with yourself.

Another way to increase self-love is to make friends with (or at least make peace with) your mirror. Many people don’t like what they see when they look at themselves and tend to fixate on what they perceive as their “flaws”. Now when you’re madly in love with someone that’s certainly not how you look at them. You rarely even notice flaws in your object of desire, let alone point them out, so it’s a matter of applying those loving eyes to yourself. It also requires becoming less attached to your external body and bringing more focus to the “inner you”.

Try this exercise when you’re getting ready in the morning or before bed at night (it’s best to do it when you’re alone so there are no distractions): stand close to your mirror so you’re “face to face”. Make contact with your eyes and continue to stare into them until you “connect”. Be patient, it can take 30 seconds or longer. You’ll know you’ve connected when you see beyond your exterior and begin to see the inner you (try it and you’ll see what I mean). Stay connected as you think about the qualities you’ve written in your journal. Once you’ve soaked up the self-love you can begin your beauty/grooming regime from a place of compassion and self-acceptance. And for any skeptics out there, all I can say is, until you give it a whirl, you’ll never know if it works for you or not!

An important ingredient to strengthening self-love is to refine your thoughts and words. There is rampant negativity in most people’s thought patterns. Also, many people habitually make self-deprecating comments in conversation. This may seem funny or harmless but over time, it becomes part of their self-image and erodes confidence and self-love. If this is a habit of yours it’s not realistic to expect to change it overnight, remember, it’s about refining. Begin to notice the content of your thoughts and conversations; when you catch yourself going to a negative or self-deprecating place, choose to shift out of it. The mere act of noticing is the 1st step toward moving in a new, more positive direction.

Now for the really fun part, romance yourself! When you adore someone you want to nurture them so give yourself the same royal treatment. Pamper yourself, take a relaxing bubble bath; send yourself an uplifting e-card; when ordering something for yourself online, include a free gift card with a note to yourself. Example: “Dear Melissa, this is especially for you because you deserve the best! Love, Me”. It’s a fun little extra that will make you smile when it arrives. These are just a few simple ideas. The point is, make it your aim to find ways to be kind to yourself every day.

By engaging in activities such as the above on a regular basis, you’ll begin to notice increased and heartfelt compassion, acceptance and appreciation for who you truly are. And that’s what falling in love with yourself is all about!

On Valentine’s Day (and every day), shower yourself with love and affection!

Until next time, keep refining!

Love,

Melissa


Time to Refine Tips

1. Think about all the qualities that make you the amazing individual you are! Write them in your journal. As new ones surface, add them to your list.

2. Make peace with your mirror. Practice the “mirror exercise” before you begin your morning or bedtime routine: “connect” with yourself while soaking up the beauty of your essence and reflecting upon positive qualities about yourself.

3. Notice the content of your thoughts and words. Become aware of negative self-talk and shift to a more positive direction when you notice yourself engaging in it.

4. Romance yourself; do kind and nurturing things for yourself on a regular basis.

5. Shower yourself with love and affection on Valentine’s Day and every day!

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